Monday, May 14

Help Wanted:

 POSITION : Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
 
 JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
 
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to
bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.  Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of
the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
 
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
 
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
 
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when
they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
 
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no
stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
 
There it is, my mother's day salute, one day late.  Hope you all had a happy one...
 

 

3 comments:

crse said...

that was perfect sunshine. Happy mother's day to you too!

Factor 10 said...

Okay, I don't want to take credit for this one, it was just my favorite of the mother's day emails that was sent 'round. But I liked it. The Drunk bastard Merle Haggard? He was all mine. Damn, I am one eloquent beeyatch when the muse calls.

=D

Mrs.ZigZagMan said...

Kudos! nice post!