Thursday, August 30

Just Say It.

The best laid plans can always go awry, so it's always a relief when my body announces we have officially dodged the baby bullet for another month.  Once the initial dirt-poor, broke-like-the-great-depression sense of relief is over, I'm just pissed.  This sucks.  I wish I was one of those people raised to call parts and functions what they are, but I fall into the Euphemism trap. 
At least I have not used these old standards:
*Visit from my Aunt Flo
*My monthly visitor
No, in my head I take on some weird Boris and Natasha Slavic accent and say "I bleed like stuck pig"
Why am I sharing this with the four people who read me that I've never met?  I don't know.
The kids get reminded to wash Pits and Privates.    I envision trying to introduce proper names at this point in the game and admit to a chortle over the look on Big O's face if I reminded him to make sure his scrotum gets proper soapy attention.
Nope, I'm a punch line kinda girl.  I'll just break out another inappropriate Saturday Night Live, and we'll watch the Alec Baldwin "Schweddy Weiner" routine.  
Poor Big O.  Crystal over at Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper is my guide for raising boys.  He's in for it.... 


Maria said...

I started menopause early so now I just have hot flashes but no bloody baron visits (and yeah, we all have names for it...but mostly I just said demurely that it was "my time" as if it was something special or something, a gift...! HA!)

Liv says underarms and privates. She once was talking to a fellow pre-schooler who announced that "I call my pee pee my gadget." Liv looked at me and said, "I call that just plain stupid."

Mert said...

Yeeeeah, I still have problems saying the va-jay-jay word. You know the one ;) For some weird reason I don't have a problem saying all of the really bad variations... I plead the Dork-th amendment.

crse said...

You told us because you know we are your spiritual sisters who are probably doing the same thing (I swear to god back before the IUD i used the phrase "bleeding like a stuck pig" on a monthly basis! No slavic accent though...)
And of course Norm has his "little guy". (which is hilarious because my step-mother got him a t-shirt with the phrase "little guy" on it) (poor kid!)

Ash said...

Norf. You bleed like a stuck pig? Oh really? Well, you've never met MY period. My period has been wreaking her vengeance on me since I was 9! AND for nine days a month I look like a slasher flick gone horribly wrong, and to add insult to the injury, I got my period already! (the baby is only 6 weeks!)

Leila calls them her vagina and bottom. I used to call it a coosie bug and touchas.

Bunny said...

I always say I'm bleeding like a stuck pig ~ I thought I was the only one! Ever hear of flooding? You don't want to know. Of course, then there was the period that lasted an entire year . . .

I've been really good about using "penis" and "scrotum" with my son (though I am so tempted to call it his "wee-ness")

Harder with my daughter. A friend suggested "yoni." I just feel weird talking to her about her vulva and her vagina and so on.

We say "bum" for bottom, because my husband lived in the U.K. for 10 years and it's a cool word.

"Pits and privates" is what the gym nazi shower monitor used to yell at us middle school girls to remind us what to wash in the shower after phys ed. Guess now "shower monitors" are too easily accused of perviness so they don't monitor anymore. I always hated that weird lady watching us shower.

SQT said...

Euphemisms are great. My son get told to quit playing with your dangle on a regular basis. Of course there's always the Austin Powers twig and berries, my husband likes that one.

I can't say va-jay-jay though. That bugs the crap out me for some reason.

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

This post cracked me up!! hehe! I always think the v-word sounds like a fake word or something and I always am reminded of the little boy in Kindergarten Cop! hehe!

While we're all in overshare mode I can say my hubby calls it a bush and the boobs are bunnies...yeah, our daughter will be so messed up if she picks that up. I've been using the real words (vagina and breasts or boobs, I admit she does use the term boobs) As for the butt, we use the terms bum or heinie most.