Thursday Thirteen #20-Fantasy Gifts

If someone could see to it that any one of these things is under the tree this year, I'd be terribly grateful. These are my 13 fantasy gifts for this year. I had a clever graphic for y'all, but My techno-chaos made it go haywire, much like my wierd technorati placement...sigh. Here ya go, anyway.

1. Consuelo, Our new housewife. Consuelo is just happy to be here, and loves cleaning and laundry. She only cooks traditional Mexican fare, so the honey loves her, and she does all the dishes, so I love her. She speaks Spanish so Little O can learn, and she adores Mama Dina, and has lots of juicy hometown gossip for her. Did I mention she’s magic and if I prick her with a pin, she pops like a soap bubble and re-appears when I wave the toilet brush? Or she might be like a Roomba, and just emerge when we’re not home and get it all done…hmmm, I’ll have to give this more thought before I talk to Santa.
2. A real bedroom set, involving either a lovely sleigh bed OR an ultra modern platform—super clean lines.
3. A week at a beach house with MY family, not his. I love his, but I want a week with MY family. I see his all the time.
4. The gods of employment present a job that actually makes money for my Ex, so I could ask for child support (at this point I’m afraid to file because I think I make more), and co-incidentally, the Honey is given a high paying job sampling beer.
5. POOF! My car is paid off!
6. If he can’t be given a job drinking beer, maybe he could just stop for a while…
7. My son is transformed into a straight A student, practicing his trombone without being forced, cleaning his room so Consuelo doesn’t have to.
8. Diamond Earrings the size of hailstones. Not even golf-ball sized hailstones, just something visible from space. (I am being scolded by my cubicle-mate for being practical AND wanting magic tricks instead of THINGS).
9. A ten thousand dollar gift card for Cost Plus, or, actually, Target. I could do some serious damage. Pier 1 would be nice, but not nice like Cost Plus.
10. A laptop with wireless internet that goes the speed of LIGHT. Next year I am not blogging in November, I am going to PARTICIPATE in NaNoWriMo. I’m dragging my father and my brother with me. You, too, Kat!
11. If #6 is out, maybe a half naked cabana boy with washboard abs and, tragically, an inability to speak. He still HAS a tongue, let me be clear, but no speech. He can, however, laugh at my witty asides, and appreciates my inability to clean. I’ll even share him with Consuelo if I never have to scrub anything, and never HEAR about it.
12. Hawaii. Cabo. Dublin. Fiji. Barcelona. Any of these would be acceptable.
13. A 4-bedroom house—we need an office for the computer and the Honey’s out of control sports crap, er, memorabilia. The computer currently lives in the middle of the dining room, and Little O sleeps in our room. When she outgrows that toddler bed we are so screwed…

Here's alittle Linky Love if you're feeling like you could be my Santa...


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I got tagged!! I got tagged!!

6 weird Things about me!!

The Mind tagged me and I'm doing it at work, so no link-love for her, but she's over on my sidebar, and is running a bad 80's hair contest, so go take a look at GREAT LAKES STATE OF MIND!

1. I am completely creeped out by t.v. sign offs. They don't happen much anymore, thanks to the wonders of the infomercial, but I'm never wierded out about being alone at night. Unless I happen to see them play the national anthem and then do the color bars with the horrible endless beeeeeeeeeep that is the soundtrack I envision for a psycho killer's brain.
2. I just cope with things. I stayed married to my (now) ex in spite of our loveless marriage, and was, in fact, still living with him throughout my pregnancy with Little O. It was cheaper for us both, kept us both in full contact with Big O, and we were so done at that point that we were just roommates. We totally got along. I don't enjoy the drama, or sharing the drama of a life falling to pieces, and several friends had no idea that the baby was not the ex's. Awkward, to say the least, and probably a large part of why the Honey hates the ex.
3. I MUST have a washcloth in the shower. I have to wash my face at least three times with a washcloth in the shower, or I am not clean. The cheaper and rougher the washcloth, the better. I LOVE those uber-packs of multicolored washcloths they sell at dorm time at Target.
4. I hate using strange showers. Other people's showers creep me out, and if I can get home to my own shower the next day, I'll wait. Seriously*the ultimate bad day is having to use someone else's shower, and then they don't give you a washcloth, or it's super soft*ugh.
5. I am pathologically shy until I get to work. Nobody at work understands that I am borderline crazy cat lady*with no cats. I have, literally, no social skills in a party type situation. I am able to be outgoing at work only because it is required of me and I understand the boundaries. I am at a total loss in social scenarios. It baffles the Honey, who met me when I was drunk. He is outgoing as his baseline personality. I am reserved to the point of scowling librarian at parties, which isn't really at all my personality, but I. AM. Socially. Retarded.
6. I am romantic, but not super sentimental. I am really a man with big knockers and a va-jay-jay. I am rarely moved by furry animal photos (but kids still get me every time), and I just don't enjoy stuffed animals and hearts and flowers. Let me rephrase that, I ADORE flowers, but a part of me is wincing that you spent that much on something that is going to turn brown in such a short time. I would love if the Honey got me flowers that were not from the mini mart, and not for a significant occasion, just because. Romance, I am all for, just not sappy syrupy sentiment.

I tag KIM, ANN, CRSE, PIPPA, JENNY in CA, and SAYRE. Okay, I think technically CRSE and Sayre have already done this, but I'm trying to tag people who might actually read this. I will leave them notes when I get home and can blog freely, not this weird email blogging (which is why everything is spaced so oddly).

Do you feel like you know me better?

ack.

My Uber boss, who isn't hard on the eyes, is growing a goatee.

Hmm. The problem is that I adore men in goatees.

I don't want to be one of the legion of office girls crushin' on the
boss.

There are worse things in life, I suppose.

But I blush. Easily.

sigh. whatever.

Happy Tuesday.

*******

With the bald head and the goat, he may look a little like Satan. At least I'm hoping...I'll just picture him red with horns, and I'll be laughing instead of blushing.

Ahhhh....

You know that lovely boneless feeling you get after good sex?

Or the post Thanksgiving dinner feeling when you have to look at that
last little bit of pie and you have to turn it down because you cannot
imagine eating one more thing?

My brain is like that today.

My man went to work on Saturday and Sunday, and I had a whole weekend
with no obligations (eww, except the faux purse party, which I forgot
all about once they told me the bags went for $100. FOR FAKES!?!?!).
Did I mention the brown paper bag full of books that my mom gave me on
the 4th?

Oh yeah... I read six books this weekend, not a redeeming quality
amongst them. Unless you count Number ten in the Janet Evanovich
series.

I drove little O nuts with that one.

"Are there funny words again, mama?"

"AGAIN, mama?"

When I grow up, I wanna be Stephanie Plum, with a Ranger and a Morelli,
and a Grandma Mazur. I'm torn on a Lula.

Bliss.

Mother Of the Year...

She's on to me!

Last night. we closed the cover on the last bedtime story:

"The End."

Little O cocked an eyebrow worthy of the Rock, calmly took the book
from my hands, flipped through until she found the two pages that I had
skipped, and handed it back to me.

sigh.

Busted by my 4-year old.

Gobble Gobble Gobble.

It was a Red shirt day...or was it?

This is my favorite joke, as told by my friend Galen at our morning meetings at Barnes and Noble, oh so many years ago.

There once was a pirate ship that sailed the seven seas, and they were unstoppable. The captain would call for his spyglass when a mast was spotted on the horizon, and if it was a fat merchant ship, he would cry out "Bring me my Red Shirt!" and his crew would cheer.

The Crew knew that the red shirt meant they were going raiding. As time wore on, the crew speculated about the magical properties of this red shirt. If the captain wore his red shirt, they were guaranteed to win! His first mate finally asked the captain about his shirt. The captain laughed and explained that there was nothing magical about his shirts. But the blood never showed on a red shirt, so the crew never saw if he was hurt, and so they never faltered. The captain asked him to keep it to himself, and the first mate agreed.

One day there was a mast spotted on the horizon. The captain called for his spyglass, and as he looked through it, he saw another mast, then another, and another. The Spanish Armada had found them. He put his spyglass away, turned to his crew, and shouted, "Bring me my Brown Pants!"

Okay, Galen told it with much more flair, but you get it. Today was a brown pants day at work. Fully one half of our customers had bills due today, we were down two girls on the phones, and there is nothing better than a customer who complains about how long they were on hold, then has nothing ready when they finally get you. ARGH!!!!!

Teenism

I found This story over at Suburban Turmoil. This has been a memory filled week!

One of my favorite stories about my mom involves teenism. The bad boyfriend came to dinner with Kat and I, and we were meeting my parents. The Waitress was VILE to us, as we had only ordered coffee until my folks got there. I mean literally THREW the creamers at us when she finally brought them, and stomped off.

Imagine our surprise when my parents got there, and she became bubbly and charming. It was a very Jekyll and Hyde moment. We told my folks about the transformation, and my mother mulled that over all through dinner. (Can I just say that The Italian Cottage in Redding was a staple of my childhood and I was deeply saddened to hear that they had closed. Man that Chicken Casserole was unbelievable, and nobody has sawdust on the floors anymore!)

When Dinner was over, this was the tip that my mother left:

(on the back of the check)

We hope that when Paula gets back to her kennel, her mother growls and snaps at her.

My mom is so quiet, especially next to my schmoozy outgoing father. I love her and her sneaky ways. She rocks with a subtlety that people sometimes miss completely.

Chuck Norris

I was watching the news, and they had a story about the cult of Chuck Norris fans. College students devote themselves to coming up with This Stuff. Conan O'brien played Walker clips endlessly. I was just trying to explain it to the Honey last night, and today Stumble gave me Chuck on a silver platter.

In my blog stalker kind of way, I think that you could probably substitute IAI for Chuck Norris in any of those sentences.

I am such a sucker for these.

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

I went back to community college a few years ago, and was scolded by my classmates and the writing lab people for using words that were too big. The fourteen year old at the writing lab told me my writing was much too "wordy" and I had better tone it down if I wanted a good grade.

Our country is SOOOO going down in flames.

Wait! Wait! Let me re-phrase that.

Stupid people BURN! BUUUUURN!

We are doomed.

I am sure that the fourteen year old Brittany wannabe now has her college degree and makes twice what I do. Or she could be cooking up meth in a trailer in Ripon. I'm just sayin'.

As Promised - The Sausage Post

I had read the books.

I knew how it was supposed to be.

I knew girls with dreams of perfect soul mates and their one true love. But if I wasn't born a steely eyed realist, I was certainly raised to be analytical and practical. I had done my research on the subject. I think in middle school I already knew it wouldn't be about love. There were girls at my school in Junior high having sex. I knew that that was much too young. But I decided that I would be rid of my questionable burden before I graduated high school. I thought that sixteen was an appropriate age.

Being socially retarded but a precocious reader, I knew it could play out one of two ways. I could meet the love of my life and have a romantic, perfect event with candlelight, a moment of discomfort, and we live happily ever after in our European castle with servants who would discreetly dispose of the telltale sheets. Or I could surrender in the fogged up backseat of a chevelle, and he'd never call again, but tell everyone about how easy I was.

By the time high school rolled around, my social life was in a realm I had not pictured in Junior High. While I was still socially retarded and shy and quiet, I had friends who were outgoing and social. I was the wallflower that my girl Kat invited along in spite of my social skills. Kat went to the other high school in town, and had friends who had no idea who I was. I think I managed to stutter out enough funny stuff that they tolerated me for Kat's sake. Or they may have just tolerated me for Kat's sake. I was that bad, and she was that cool.

One of the amazing things that I had not envisioned in junior high was the availability of alcohol, and it's properties as a social lubricant. Parties with alcohol were SOOOO much more fun for me than parties without! It was truly a miracle elixir for a shy girl. There were the inevitable groping sessions, and opportunities presented themselves, but I wasn't ready, and if I didn't think I was in love, then it was going to be when I was totally comfortable. (Remember the analytical thing? This really was my thought process.)

My break came when Kat's cousins came in from Southern California. Two boys, older than us, game for a party, and they would return to the depths of So Cal when I was done. There really wasn't a choice to be made. The younger one (17) was crazy and outgoing and loud--everything I avoided like the plague. Her oldest cousin, though, was funny, quiet, and nice. hmmmm.

He was, in fact, so much older(21) and nicer that when I finally threw myself at him, thanks to a little liquid courage, he declined. But he told me that if I'd like to make the offer sober, he'd love to take me up on it. A-HA! I'd picked a good one, AND an honorable one--that wasn't even something I had considered!

He was so nice. He was so quiet. As things progressed the next night, it occurred to me that there may have been a slight flaw in my plan. I thought that 21 meant he'd be a pro.

I think I may have known a bit more than he did. If he was more experienced, it was definitely more, um, hands on, if you will. So now I'm sober and thinking, and analyzing everything, and the thought occurs to me that THIS was what people meant by "get stuffed." I wish I hadn't, but there it was. That was my overwhelming impression of the deed. Then I had to concentrate on not laughing, because I'd read enough to know that me bursting out laughing while he did his best work was gonna scar the poor boy for life.

And three minute (maybe?) later it was done.

The cousins went back to So Cal, we exchanged a few letters, and I went back to my social hermitage until I got a job at Taco Bell and met the bad boyfriend.

My dad still throws up in his mouth a little if you mention the bad boyfriend's name.

But that would be another post, wouldn't it?

Thursday Thirteen # 19: Movie Moments

Thirteen Movie Moments Jen enjoys.



1. Auntie Mame- When she invites the horrible suburbanites over for drinks and has the crazy modern art sofas...and the flaming cocktails.

2. Four Weddings and a Funeral- The funeral is awful, but gets me every time when he reads the poem. It makes me want to like poetry.

3. Young Frankenstein- Almost any line from Marty Feldman in the first third of the movie. I can still probably recite them all.

4. Holy Grail- If I have to pick one spot I'll short circut, here, but the coconut shells and the whole Sir Robin bit. IF I have to choose.

5. Dude, Where's my Car?- I'm sorry. I know. It's awful. But the bit where they read the tattoos is just so totally a conversation you could overhear in California. It cracks me up. It's the left coast version of Who's on First.

6. Toy Story- When Woody leads the toys in the uprising against Syd.

7. Christmas Story- The tongue. The pole. bwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

8. Sideways- Sandra Oh beans him with the helmet. None of this boo hoo my heart is broken--she is pissed.

9. Brigit Jones- Sliding down the pole into/onto the camera. That would SO happen to me.

10. Chocolat- The gypsy music was soooo catchy, but when I bought the soundtrack , there was only one song. I wanted to go live with those gypsies. Okay, THAT gypsy, but still.

11. Cool Hand Luke- After the egg contest, when they are thumping on Paul Newman's belly.

12. Flushed Away- If you haven't seen it, I am torn--not sure it's worth the price of admission to everyone, but the slugs are sooo worth it to ME!!!!

13. Pretty much any moment where the good guys win, regardless of how cheesy and obvious it was. I'm a sucker like that.




Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Linky Love.






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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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This is my favorite E-mail in a year!

I got this from My best Jen, in Coarsegold, CA:

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational
which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a
new definition.

2005 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n. ): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n. ): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,

shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.
)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious
bummer.

13. Decafalon (n. ): The grueling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n. ): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n. ): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the mo rning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n. ): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest,
in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words.

And the winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when
wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who
has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologi st.

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death,

the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men

LMAO, I hope it emails to blogger okay.
Much more upbeat than a WTF Wednesday!

Tasty Tuesday

I am dreaming of a Denny's Super Bird Turkey Sandwich.
With onion rings.
I am so Homer Simpson right now.
mmmmm....Super Bird.

I'm not sure that this is entirely accurate...

I am 12% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

I have cheerfully stolen this from Dick Small. He'll never know.

I think people come to me to vent, not really for advice. But I do find most people to be idiots, so they must be on to something.

Nov 12, 1970

Happy Birthday

to Us.

I am 36.

So is The Slack. We share the day. It's a Jen thing.


I'd make her a cool ad, but I'm lucky if I get a post up with no typos. So the link will have to do. Y'all should go see her. I hear there will be pancakes.

How important is Music in your Life?

I find that it is HUGE in mine.
Much like books. Too long without the escape of a book, and I am bitchier and have a much shorter fuse. It sneaks up on me.
A lack of music makes me blue. I think. It could just be life at the moment, which has certainly been leaving huge steaming piles in every possible direction, but I think I would mind it less if I had music again at work.

I think I've said before that I sing snippets of anything. I am the rainman of jingles and annoying choruses. Well, in my little corner of the trash heap, my radio has died. I have a companion in my corner, and Bre does what she can to keep me sane, but by Friday of last week, I was snapping at HER for singing "It's a grand Old Flag."
ME, snapping at HER, for singing an annoying song.

Truly, if you know me, it boggles the mind.

On a funny note, The supreme power in the office, who orders all of the birthday cakes (along with everything else) had them put the words "Doo-Dah" on my Birthday cake. (Think Camptown Races)

That was outstanding.

My daughter announced in the middle of Target that when she grows up, she would like to be a cheeto. Big O says "Cheetah, like a cheetah girl?" No, she wants to be orange and crunchy (her words). A Cheeto.

I must find a radio for myself (and poor Bre). My girl, I'm stuck for. We are currently having talks about setting our sights a bit higher. She looked longingly at the packaged bacon on Thursday and and asked if she could have it for christmas. The junk cereal, too. Okay, she talks a mile a minute, and pretty much asked for everything that caught her eye at the store, but bacon for christmas? She doesn't even like bacon. On the bright side, I don't think Cheetos require a college fund.

Of course I am!

You are "Excited"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

Thursday Thirteen #18 13 Circles of Heck.

Thirteen things JEN could have done without this week:

1. Phone message left on my voice mail at work: "this message is for Jennifer, this is blah blah, there was an incident on your son's walk home after school, blah blah blah, the paramedics are here...blah blah blah"

2. Call the school, and it turns out Big O was was bullied by two classmates, and when they began kicking his backpack (the kind on wheels), he threw a book at the bigger one. (This all began with them teasing him for reading a book as he walked home)

3. What should a big boy do, when a book is thrown at him, but knock the other boy to the ground and start kicking him in the face? I mean, really, what other choice did he have?

4. grrrrrrrr. So I come flying up to the school expecting the worst, I mean how can you not? Big O is in the Principal's office, and he has a giant goose egg on his forehead, and this huge dark line across his nose, and his eye looks like he might have a shiner. But you know what? He's fine. I mean, remember, I AM the queen of the worst case scenario, and at this point I am so grateful to see him whole and coherent I'm ready to cry. That is why this post is about the circles of Heck. Not Hell.

5. The School district police officer tells me that I really need to file a report with the City cops, especially if I am planning on pressing charges. He tells me that the PD has been called, but it may take a while.

6. The paramedics have me sign their paperwork and tell me I should still probably take him to the ER to be checked out. (Is this why people use ER's inappropriately? I asked if I couldn't just take him to his primary care physician, and the EMT was flummoxed. It had never occurred to him.) I couldn't get us in until the end of the day, but we were still out of the DR's about ten hours sooner than we would have been out of the ER.


7. Told the school I'd keep Big O home the next day, and waited for the cops. and waited and waited.finally decided that if we'd waited that long, Big O could probably hit the hay, cancelled the request.

8. The next day, called the cops to again have a report taken, and oh, right around 4 pm they finally showed, and then the cop tells me that this is nothing that they can help me with and why didn't I call the school district cops that day? THEY WERE CALLED, and they told me I needed to speak to you. At this point, the officer is climbing into his car. I had to force him to take my report! Big sigh. "All right, what happened." Um, would you like to talk to my son, since he was the one who was there? yeah, okay, go get him. sigh.

9. lovely. Then the school calls to tell me that Big O is being suspended right along with the boys, because HE was the aggressor, by way of throwing the book. The kicking of his backpack was not bodily contact--never mind the two on one. Big O initiated physical contact and escalated the situation. Five days.

10. The mother of the second boy dragged him to our house by the ear, absolutely horrified. He had not participated in the actual assault, and had been trying to get the other boy to stop. Mom wanted to hear from Big O that this was true, and not her son trying to make himself look better, and they wanted to check on Big O.

11. These are boys in Big O's Class. The big thuggy one that kicked him in the face was a guest at Big O's fourth grade birthday.

12. I am so grateful that it was not worse. I mean fall down on my knees, thank you lord baptist revival grateful. I am pissed that Big O is being treated the same as the other boy. and by the school district definition, why did they suspend the second boy at all? If the kicking of the backpack wasn't assault, then why is he involved at all? grrr grr grrr.

13. So I am now fighting with the school district. Guess what? Even after all of the stories in the news, no Bullying policy is in place at our school district. I feel better (still not great) about the suspension, I'm told it's what happens first before they look into expelling certain kids who have had other problems. Big O is totally disgusted that his karate never came into play. I feel bad for him on that score. We're gonna have his shi-fu work with him on that one....

center>Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

WTF Wednesday

Okay, I admit that I am unfamiliar with online etiquette. But when you
make your photos public on FLICKR, they are available to be used by
anyone unless you copyright it or use creative commons or something.
That was my understanding of the rules. If there is no blog this
button, you cannot use the photo.

so this popped up in my mailbox today:

Hey~ That's MY *sweet* dog! He was actually in the middle of a yawn
here, but I thought it was a hysterical catch. Sign up for a flickr
account & leave me a comment on this photo.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hasfurrychildren/135909230/ It's nice to be informed when my photos are being used. Even nicer to ask me
first. :)

I assume when you make it public and available that you are okay with
it. It's been a rough week already, (more on that later) but WTF? Now
I am not nice for informing them that I used their photo, which was
fully attributed and linked back to flickr, which I thought was the
extent of my responsibility. I am even less nice for not asking
permission. I have photos on Flickr, and they are private. The reason
that they are private is because I do not want them available for the
general public to use. PRI-VATE. (pry-vit) Try it!

I am surly and cranky and all shall be revealed in my TT, but I say
again, WTF?!?!?!?,

Lazy Sunday

Ahh...I love a lazy day.

We went to my brother's yesterday and lit a magnificent bonfire, er birthday cake for my dad. Sixty-four candles make quite a blaze.

I wasn't going to blog today, but Little O just corrected me. Her new passion is grilled cheese sandwiches. I just offered to make one for her brother, and it all became clear.

"No, mama, but you can make him a BOY cheese sandwich."

Apparently they are GIRL cheese sanwiches in her Little O brain.

tee hee.

Love my O's!

Guess what????

Do you have a relative that insists on giving your child whatever they want, despite any protestations from a parental unit?

Sometimes it just happens to be whatever the child has in their hands, not something they are throwing a fit over, or anything they are even particularly pining for.

My mom tells me to just be gracious, sometimes people need to feel like they have something to give. Okay.

 

That is how I got an 18" fake chicken. I like to think of it as a birthday present for Little O. As you can see, it has real feathers. In an effort to keep the feathers from ending up all over the house, I have put the bird in a place of honor that just happens to be high up. But as I blog now, I look up, and I see chicken butt. 

Thursday 13 will not be seen today.

 

But for your viewing pleasure, here is my halloween costume for next year. I just need a cowbell and a fake hairy chest... 

For your reading pleasure I offer you this link, and a word of caution. This man is not a mommy blog. But he is freaking funny. My blogfriends with delicate sensibilities (do I have any of those?) should probably not click. But I would. seriously.

Thank dog I still have a job!

 

 

He is a very cool boss and I am grateful to be gainfully employed.

(He doesn't know my blog exists, but I like to cover my bases.)

I will post the wings when I have recovered from thier brutal rejection by Little O. 

Halloween Jennfactor 5.6

So happy halloween. yeah. whatever.

The fates were messin' with me yesterday.

I could not get my skull cap to fit yesterday morning, finally got it
most of the way on, but had to wear my polo collar up like a bad
eighties gigilo.

Bright side: I won $50 for the craziest costume, boss told me it was my
final paycheck when he handed it to me. Thank dog he has a sense of
humor! (photo to follow once I get home)

My computer crashed in the middle of helping a very pissy customer, and
I have to say, after several calls to the help desk, it STILL is not
right.

Bright side: Boss let us go an hour early to get our little goblins
ready for trick or treat.

So my car ran out of gas and I spent my extra hour waiting for the
Honey to rescue me.

Bright side: I finished the butterfly wings while I waited for my
rescue.

Little O hated it and wanted to wear anything else BUT the wings.

Bright side: After dinner, Little O was more receptive to the costume.

And my camera was at work.

I swear, some otherworldy force was laughing their ass off yesterday.
I could almost hear the "Watch this..."

Big O did hang out with his dad, (it's Ex's week, anyway) but all
things considered, maybe that was for the best.

Death Takes a Holiday

 

 

If I've done this right, here is Big O's interpretation of what death would do on vacation. Bowling and Cotton Candy. 

Confession #68,428,585

Halloween was much easier and more fun when I had one child. Maybe it's the age difference, but these endless nights of Halloween are seeming to go on and on this year. When Big O was small, it was ONE night, Two if we hear about something fun.

We have been trick-or treating to the UOP dorms, which was fun, but Little O was DRAGGIN' by the end, and Big O was ready to go for days more.

We went to Big O's school Family Fun Night, where I felt like Satan for not volunteering like they were begging us to, but what, exactly, am I going to do with my four year old while I flip burgers? Because making her sit for even fifteen minutes is not an option when the carnival is going on.

I still have the actual night to go, which will involve lots of ferrying Little O from one relative to the next so that they can ooh and ah over her. Maybe it was easier with Big O because nobody lived in town and ther were no older siblings to keep up with. This year should be better, though, because the Honey actually has the night off. This year I don't have to try and do it all myself!

Big O will be with his dad, which ought to make it easier, but it doesn't, because I miss him when he's gone, and hate that he and Little O don't get all of their holidays together. Hate it.

Whatcha gonna do, though?

The big reveal....

I do not have a JD bottle tattoo from my shoulder blades to my butt
cheeks. But I frequently tell people that I do in memes.

I won a couple of poetry contests in high school, but I was never
ridiculed and/or traumatized by classmates in the eighth grade over my
poetry (although I probably should have been). It's true that I don't
enjoy poetry at all, though. Except for those Tuesday Work Sucks
Haikus....

I was not the one who superglued the pennies. That was the first bad
boyfriend. But the manager WAS that awful.

****************************

On a separate note, have you tried the new white chocolate M&M's? They
are like little candy coated balls of Crisco to me.

THe dark chocolate ones are keepers, though!

Men Beware---not your thing...I hope.

I had the strangest experience in the stirrups yesterday...

I have gone for regular pap smears since I turned 16. That's twenty
years of awful paper dresses.

I usually go to an Ob-Gyn, but I was getting a physical anyway, and I
was overdue for an exam, so I killed two birds with one copay. My Dr.
is a nice middle aged Filipino lady. But she kept SHOWING me things.
Like everything. She beamed at me as she showed me the swab, and then
the speculum. UGH. She was so excited, and seemed to want to reassure
me that it was all good.

Lady, I'm trying to block this from my brain and pretend it's not
happening. Admittedly, after twenty years and two kids, it's not nearly
as traumatic as it used to be, but it's not a lot of fun, either.

Was it because she doesn't usually do them? Is this standard practice?
It's always been my experience that they cover it all back up
discreetly under something. Maybe it's the difference between male and
female Doctors?

Does anyone else get the show and tell treatment on this lovely, lovely
day?

Thursday Thirteen #17--2 birds with one stone!

I WAS TAGGED FOR A ME ME BY Jenny In Ca, and I am combining it with my TT. Ten things you didn’t know about me—and three lies.

1. When I was the age that Big O is now, I had a huge waterfight at my house, boys against girls. Girls were inside with bowls and cups and things, boys were outside with hoses—aiming into the house. My mother came home in the middle. And yet I live.
2. I have a black thumb. I better never go into rehab—the rule in the movie 28 days, where you have to keep a plant alive for a year before you get a pet, and have that for a year before you can date? I’d be a lonely, lonely girl surrounded by my dead foliage—and not even a cat for company.
3. I regret my tattoo. At twenty a Jack Daniels Bottle is very rock and roll. At thirty-six it’s feeling a little skank-ish. Plus it’s hard to explain to your O’s.
4. My kids are the third generation where everyone gets the same first initial. But I broke tradition by not giving them the same middle initial.
5. When I was a kid I had an extra tooth in the roof of my mouth and had to have it removed, but they did not believe me when I told them I could feel them working on me. To this day I have an unreasonable fear of dentists. I don’t cry when I see a dentist on TV, but I always find a reason to miss any appointment I set.
6. I won a poetry contest when I was in the eighth grade and had my picture in the paper along with my poem. I was ridiculed in school and it turned out to be the most miserable experience of my life, and that is why I hate poetry to this day.
7. I was a social hermit in high school and went skiing every weekend with my father the winter of my junior year. The night of the Junior prom (when I had been turned down by the boy I FINALLY got the nerve up to ask--he came out two years later but by that time I was SCARRED for life), my dad had to work but arranged for one of his ski patrol buddies to pick me up and go night skiing so I wouldn’t be home dwelling on it.
8. On that note, I was socially retarded and did not have a boyfriend until I was seventeen. He was every parent’s worst nightmare, a divorced twenty-three year old father, working fast food and living with his mother. Oh, and he was a dope smoking heavy metal fan whose wardrobe consisted solely of cut up t-shirts…WINNER! I stayed with him until I was twenty and my parents about peed their pants—I got a trip to Europe, they were so desperate to get me away from him.
9. I lost my virginity at sixteen in a calculated move that made for a hysterical story for another post. Possibly for another blog. And yes, that timeline is accurate.
10. One day after school I decided to show off and take the 1976 Ford f-150 king cab truck for a drive around the block with my girlfriend. The stupid thing was huge and had a first gear that was essentially useless unless you were hauling something up a hill. I got it out of the driveway and around the corner and it just would not move anymore. My brother just happened to be coming over, and drove it home for me and never told my folks.
11. I was onstage with Bill Cosby once. My brother introduced me to him as the family pet in front of the entire audience.
12. I once super glued pennies to the windshield of a very bad manager. She was nasty and vile and had a revolving rubber check that she would have us cash and then take out before the deposit went to the bank. To add insult to injury, she just used the same damned check over and over again.
13. I am closer to forty than thirty now, and I have never plucked my eyebrows. I think I might do it this year for the Christmas Party. I think.

**********************************************************

Total Mind Blowing Update-- My
TT #4 was thirteen people I wanted to find again. One of them found me BECAUSE of my TT! WOW! I am so excited and now have to figure out how to contact her! Amanda, if you’re reading my blog, email me!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants



Time for some more of that sweet, sweet Linky Love!

Bring on the Revolution!

I have a list of people that need to GO!

People are CRANKY lately. Man!

I will be glad when this week is over.

I am a bad mother--Little O keeps asking for Smarshmallows, and I keep giving her a few at a time just so I can hear her say smarshmallows.

:D

Tasty Tuesday--Mmmm...Tri Tip

My blog sistas, I am writing to you today about the most glorious supermarket innovation EVER. I just took it for granted that it was everywhere, like tortillas. My auntie from Tennessee had no idea what we were talking about.

Go ask your butcher for some Tri Tip. When the local market throws some on the grill, my heart goes pitter pat. I will pay their highway robbery prices to take one home already cooked and melt in your mouth tender. Or I will grill one myself. But I don't do it as well as the burly boy from the market.

Costco sells them here, but my auntie says not so in the south. Brisket is hard to find here so I guess it's a regional thing. Tri tip is a good compromise for us because I like it Pink and the Honey likes it overcooked. I am slowly bringing him around. But Don't let anybody put barbecue sauce on it. Ugh. Why ruin a perfectly good piece of meat with that goo? That's okay for ribs. Tri tip deserves better.

This message has been brought to you by the atkins diet and your friendly neighborhood cardiologist.

***************************

I was trying to put in a Flickr photo, but alas, no luck.

Here's a little more info from our friends at Wiki.

My Honest Child...

Little O had a fabulous birthday, got a Little Mermaid scooter to go with her new helmet and elbow/knee pads. She was dying to to try it all out after school today. We got her into all of her safety gear, and began our circuit of the block.

Halfway through she looks at me and says,

"Mama, this is not a lot of fun, but it is a little fun."

Love my O's.

Me Me for a mutha f***in' Monday

It's thief week at Did You Ever...
I have cheerfully stolen this meme from CRSE, at that blogosphere Hotspot, Zamphir Panflutemaster. I may steal several of her answers, as well.

• DO YOU SNORE? 'Fraid so. Not always, and nowhere near the volume and consistency of my chainsaw lover. The man SNORES.
• ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? I'm an observer.
• WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? Failing my kids/disappointing my folks.
• AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? eh. I played, but not obsessively
• WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV? It's fun to watch for a while, but I like to see the tasks more than the people. (I love the locations on Amazing Race, the pictures on Top Model, the food of Hell's Kitchen)
• DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? No. But every once in a while I catch myself with a pen, and it grosses me out..
• WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? I was very smiley, and I had dimples. I think I was troll-doll cute. My mom says I was adorable, but, you know, she's my mom.
• IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Nope, I like having a partner.
• WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? Black.
• DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Yes.
• HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? Nope. Couldn't now until my kids are grown.
• ANY SECRET TALENTS? Bwahahaha.
• WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? Beach house filled with books.
• CAN YOU SWIM? It's not pretty, I got no strokes, but yeah, I can tread water and get from point A to point B. I enjoy it.
• HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? Nope.
• DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? Um, sure. I drive an SUV, but it's a Honda--does that help the karmic/ozonic balance?
• HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? If I ever met a person who could actually do the licking...well...i think theyd be a pretty fun date...LMAO- this was CRSE's answer.
• CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? No.
• DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? I end up with no pencil left with an electric pencil sharpener. I like a good, school-grade manual sharpener with the double barrels that revolve with the little crank, you know the one? Usually located near the teacher's desk...
• WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? I come from a long line of Okies. I'm fine with it as long as you're not asking ME to shoot something. And as long as you do it humanely and take care of your shit. Don't go maiming things. People are freaking irresponsible about other PEOPLE, let alone animals that can't report them.
• IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? I have a sparkly ring that says so.
• DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I cringe at the thought of my handwriting. As bad as my typing is, I heart my typing over my chicken scratch.
• WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? Spring. I love it, but it doesn't love me.
• WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ? Every ten minutes to my O's. They are gonna need so much therapy.
• DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Not usually.
• HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Scrambled in butter to a tender sunny yellow, NOT overcooked, with Cold sliced tomatoes, sliced avocado, good salsa and flour tortillas. yum.
• ARE BLONDES DUMB? Is dubya blonde?
• WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? Art Hoppe explained that socks eat their mates.
• WHAT TIME IS IT? too late for me to be online.
• DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Mistress. Supa Jen.
• IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? Probably, and yet I still pull into that drive thru.
• WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? About 2 hours ago.
• DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Bath tub to relax, but a shower to be clean. Bathtubs are not clean to me.
• IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? It's an office to be assumed. Like the incarnations of Piers Anthony. Give birth and the office is yours.
• DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED? I've had children with men who kissed my neck. Literally.
• ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Not usually.
• WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Chocolate croissants.
• CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? Crunchy
• CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? No.
• HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Only when I was a kid, my daddy did a lot of health fairs and things.
• IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? I tend to put off taking an Advil for as long as I can, and Vicodin are nasty--But I'm not Tom Cruise--They make a lot of these medicines for a reason.
• ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? When I am sick!
• WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Grey-blue.
• DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Overall, sure!
• ARE YOU PSYCHIC? No, I'm rather dense.
• HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE? Yes.
• DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? I wish I played guitar.
• HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? I freaking put my own money INTO the till when I worked at B. Dalton. We were twenty dollars short and I'd never had that happen before and I almost peed my pants. Years later a bitter employee put that into her termination report, and My DM asked me about it. By that time I knew that the company sees that as almost as bad as pocketing cash, but I looked at him and said, well, yeah, I did. It was my first week as a manager. I sure as hell don't do it now. He laughed and casually tossed out that she really was a bitter bitch. He was right-she was termed by someone else, three years later, and THEN she rats me out? I loved that man.
• CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? Nope, but I love to ski.
• DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? If we are fully equipped. I'm not saying we need a trailer, but I want a certain comfort level. No beanie weenies from a can, thank you.
• DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? Not usually.
• DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? In theory..
• ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? No. That would be the giant squid living in the depths of the marianas trench.
• YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? Lord, yes.
• CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? You see, that would be DANCING, and I can't even pull off a decent Elaine. I am the original wallflower.
• DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? snicker giggle. Have we met?
• IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? Nope, it went into the eighties.
• WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Combo pizza leftover from Little O's Princess day.
• DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? Love it, hate taking it off. But Once it begins to go, it MUST come off. Thanks, mom!
• HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW? More than ten, less than twenty.
• WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? Any tampon commercial. Big O still doesn't quite get the mechanics of it, and I'm letting him wander in a fog of horrified male confusion.OOOOOOOOOOOOH! Can I say a radio commercial? There is a campaign commercial, and it starts with a wife introducing a husband who oddly, reads all of the political ads that come in the mail. Then she asks him what he has learned. He explains that candidate A talks about more than the national things that annoy us, like foreign policy. He cares about things that matter here in the valley. Take Meth--at this point she moans.
  It's the kind of noise you make when you find out your favorite nephew sold his grandmother's car for a hit. He wasn't TELLING you to take meth, you stupid bitch. It annoys the crap out of me. It's poorly written and poorly acted, and I am stunned each and every time when Candidate A comes on to say he approved this ad. If this is an example of his judgment, Stay the hell away from Washington, there are enough of you there already.
• DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? My right thigh considered it once, but my gigantic chest vetoed the idea.
• FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT? My mind is blank. I keep singing snippets of some fifties song, but I don't know what it is. I'll have to torture everyone at work with it tomorrow. today. ack. goodnight.

Big number 4!

I wish I had one of those touching stories about giving birth. I was standing in line at the city, trying to get the water hooked up to my new residence. Municipal utilities are much like banks, and never have as many people at the counter as they have humming around behind them, distracting the overworked clerks by TALKING to them--While I go into labor waiting.
But we waited all through the line (I love my mommy), got everything turned on (hee-hee-hoo-hoo--I heart lamaze, too), and my mother drove me to the hospital. After that it's a druggy haze.

Little O was face down, not face up like they like,and they gave me so many drugs that I was asleep until the contractions peaked, when I woke up screaming (not like the lady down the hall, thank you--I don't do horror movie drama), and then would pass out again. My doctor was gone, so I got the wise cracking partner from his practice. I remember looking at the Honey, horrified, when the Doctor swung the bloody afterbirth around, whistling at the size--and then he dropped it.

She was tiny and perfect, and I wanted my mommy (who was watching Big O), and it seemed like (hello, DrUgS) two minutes after I gave birth, the Honey's sister and family hit. I was still fairly new to them, and a little disconcerted, but the drugs helped tremendously--and the fact that the afterbirth had been retired. I think I even gave up waiting and told them all I had to pee now. I wanted to go home, but the hospital insisted that I stay at least one night, and I thought, Okay, a little help would be nice.

I got the bitch from hell roommmate who was not breastfeeding, and would heave big dramatic sighs and fluff her pillow and toss and turn dramatically whenever Little O fussed. Her baby, you understand, was in the nursery, only to make occasional appearances. I looved that Little O was with me, but finally wanted a break from the cow's drama, so buzzed the nurse and asked if she could take little O to the nursery so "we" could rest, and bring her to me when she got hungry. I was told that breastfeeders are never away from their moms. Thanks for the help, ladies.

The hospital advised me that I could stay another day, and I refused. I went home where there were people to help. I hope that big cow stayed away from her crack pipe, but I'm sure she didn't.

Big O was thrilled until he found out she didn't DO anything. Then he went back to Bionicles. But at school he proudly introduced her to everyone, right down to the daycare receptionist. He said This is my sister, Little O. She's Little O Garcia when she's good and when she's bad She's Little O Bee (her middle name). Yep, I'm that mother. Your middle name comes out when I'm good and mad.

Little O hears her middle name a lot these days, but I wouldn't trade her for the winning lotto numbers. Today she is NOT getting a big party, but she IS getting to dress up as a princess all day, complete with rhinestone tiara, and visit all of her adoring subjects.

Love my O's!

Twenty One MEs

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 21 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I stole this from Jenny In Ca, a fellow Thursday Thirteener, and yet another Jen.

According to this site, there are almost 1.4 million Jens in the US. Maybe I should just do a Jennifer Blog. I think we all have tales for being one of two, or six, or ten Jens in one class at one time. We ARE the Britney of the Seventies. OR would that be Britneys? Screw it--it's like the royal We. We are Jen. hmmm... that's a little borg-ish. The Jen Collective. That would be the blog name. I like it!
Probably never happen. I have trouble posting to THIS blog as often as I'd like, and Little O's wings are taunting me. Add to that the Honey tells me casually that we've been invited to go out as GROWN UPS the saturday before halloween. In Costume. I am stuck trying to think of costumes. He may go as a priest. I am so screwed. No clue, and it's the newlyweds with the 24 year old-nothing sagging-I dance like a music video-bride. sigh. Good thing I like her.

Thursday 13 #16 Best halloween costumes

Thirteen Things Best Halloween Costumes Jen has seen 1…. Beetlejuice. Guy's girlfriend worked at a bridal gown manufacturer, and had a red lace wedding gown, but he totally ruled. He had a purple velvet tux that was at least two sizes too small, and had filled it with baby powder, so every time he told an awful joke, he would pat himself and dust would fly up...he also stayed in character all night, in spite of copious quantities of alcohol. Come to think of it, maybe that WAS his personality. 2. Spy vs Spy. I made giant paper maiche heads, with black screens for the eyes, and would have OWNED that contest if not for Beetlejuice. Took witch hats and cut the tops off to make proportionate fedoras, painted one white, left the other one black... but we had no schtick. I was lucky to get my boyfriend INTO the costume, let alone be planting bombs all night... I have no pictures of the greatest halloween costume ever. I think it's why I'm so obsessive about getting pictures of the kids in theirs... 3. Jellyfish. I lived in Chico one year, and that is a town that does Halloween right! They were dressed all in black, had clear umbrellas with bubble wrap hanging in strings, with glowing necklaces on. They would just lift the umbrellas up and down as they drifted through the crowd, and they looked like Jellyfish swimming along. The.Coolest.Costume.Ever. 4. The windy guys. Also in Chico. When you go downtown, you just drift from bar to bar in a giant circuit of downtown streets. These guys had their hair gelled back, and their ties and coats wired back, and they made whshh-ing noises as they fought their imaginary wind from one light pole to another. There were four or five of them, I think. Was I just drunk? Because I thought they were hysterical. 5. Tinkerbell. As performed by my 6' 2" brother. He found tights (I can't imagine where), wore a white tank top and shorts, and little white wings. Um, he also carried a baseball bat painted gold with a cardboard star stapled to the end, as his magic wand. 6. Flying Monkey. As NOT performed by my chicken brother. I wanted him to do it Will Ferrell style, with his hairy man belly sticking out with the little bell hop outfit worn by the monkeys in Wizard of Oz and a monky snout, wings and a tail. It would have been sheer genius. 7. St. Paulie Girl. The other Jen made her own costume, and while I only saw the photos, it blew me away--Mind, you and Jen look a little alike, you should find a party and just GO for it! 8. Fed Ex Guy. Okay it WAS in a bar, but he had a box attached to his fly and was asking women if they'd like to sign for his package, and then handed them a clipboard for their name and number. It was pretty funny. 9. Pregnant Nun. In high school, my friend delivered pizzas as a pregnant nun. Dave was outstanding. 10. Maleficent. The baddie from sleeping beauty? A co-worker committed to it and totally rocked--full makeup and black skull cap thing, the works. 11. Angel. I kicked ass on Little O's pirate costume last year, but I loved her Angel costume from the year before bettter. It's killing me to not post a picture. 12. Cowboy. I made Big O a cowboy when HE was two, with felt chaps and a little vest, and I've done way more elaborate costumes for him since then, but nothing beats how easy and great his little felt chaps looked. Maybe I just love two year olds in costumes? 13. The Boss. No, not Springsteen. I hope this year is funny, because I am going as my boss. Technically, I am going as my boss's boss. Everyone's boss. The BIG boss. He has a pretty good sense of humor. I hope. If not, I'm going to have to claim to have been dooced. Blame it on the blog. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Alien Lemmings...

 

I just wanted to see if Picassa worked with Beta. 

Lemming Pride, baby!

I only ever got five votes on my fabulous blog poll regarding Beta Blogger. That was actually one more than I thought I'd get. I got more votes for the line about midget porn than any real input on Beta being the sign of the apocolypse. So I just waited...

Sure enough, my secret twin, CRSE, jumped off the Beta cliff.

I, being a lemming, am leaping after her with my eyes screwed shut against the earth rushing to meet me.

Still no luck in getting technorati to recognize me--is it my forbidden love for Mr. Linky? Oh well, maybe the tag feature in Beta will help...

Mom Moment

hair
Originally uploaded by dandegez.

Little O just complained as I was brushing her hair.
She heaves a big sigh, and says "Mama, you are messing up my DOWN hair!"

I was brushing her bangs back.

Don't mess with the DOWN hair.

Love my O's...

Things I'm liking...

I recently installed Firefox, and while dial up sucks as much as ever, some of the things that you can do in Firefox are a lot of fun! I like the stumble feature. It looks for interesting things FOR you, so you don't already have to know where to go...Did that make sense? I've been playing Which Do You Like Better?, but I'm not sure that it knows all that much yet, It's first question was whether or not I was a guy...But then again, I'm not so sentimental as some of my friends, so maybe the question was legit... Interesting!

Bwahahaha!

Rules for Future Evil Overlords

This technorati thing is driving me nuts...I've embedded all of their stuff, and followed directions to the letter, but they do not show that I have updated since I registered my blog....my pings are off in deep space by now, what am I doing wrong?

Oh, Big O.

My son has been given the curse and blessing of an unusual name. It was my grandfather's name, it is a fine name. It is not the name of your
average bear.

In the course of a boy's life, certain temptations are almost irresistible.

One of these temptations is a pristine piece of wet cement.

Oh, Big O. When your name is as distinctive as yours, a nom de plume is in order.

****

One of the Honey's chief complaints about the Ex is that he does not ever make Big O suffer any consequences. I find that the Honey can be a little Draconian in his notions of discipline, and overall, I find that I am usually more in line with the Ex. You can imagine what a big hit this is at home.

My first instinct is to drag Big O by the ear down to public works and make him perform some sort of penance, like dumping out their trash cans or SOMETHING to show him that there are consequences. But wait...in this day and age, they could thank me for my honesty and then slap me with a bill for the signed concrete art.

I'm honest, and I'm civic minded.... and I'm poor.

So I called the ex to ask what he thought an appropriate measure would
be, and sure enough, he thinks a lecture would suffice. Boys will be boys.

I understand that it's a temptation beyond measure to a boy walking home alone from school.

But when he walks by it in the future, I want Big O to wince, and wish that he had not done it, NOT discover the joys of sharpies and start making his mark everywhere. (And may I say that I am terrified that they are going to ask the school about the name and bill me anyway.)

Any recommendations for consequences of boyish behavior? Less than a beating but more than a lecture.

I hate it when the Honey is right.

Thursday 13 #15

13 Things that happened to me this week.

1. I scratched the bejeebus out of my arms picking limes for my Mother in law. Did you know lime trees have thorns?

2. I had a flash of brilliance regarding the halloween costume contest at work. I can't go into it, but I'm either winning for the "craziest" category, or I am SO fired.

3. I picked a huge fight with my ex-husband because, essentially, he is an idiot. It was give in and be nasty and mean spirited for three days, or chop him up and report him missing. Seriously, It was down to those two options.

4. Inadvertently screwed up with my friend, because her mother made me angry. I think I took her side a little too vehemently, and I'm sorry. very sorry.

5. Gave in and did the dishes, even though I was trying to be on strike because I seem to be the only one capable of loading the frigging DISHWASHER. We have a dishwasher, people-- and still I am the only one to cook, AND the only one to do dishes. But I had to . It was gross.
Big O will be unloading after homework.

6. Ate a kick ass dinner Saturday night--spent money we did not have taking sister-in-law out for her Birthday.

7. Lost my work weight loss competition by six lousy pounds. Evil accountant won, and boss offered her double or nothing. If she commits to losing the same amount of weight again by march, He will give her a THOUSAND dollars. I would sooo take the money now. And then go to Marie Callendar's.

8. But I renewed my vow to be below two hundred by Christmas!

9. Found my dress for the Christmas Party, EXACTLY what I wanted. I just happened to be wandering through the store and There it was marked down because it was last year's color. The only one in last year's color just happened to be in MY size. It was marked $70, and there was no way. But it was marked down to $56 and it was on sale, so I tried it on. It fit, and I decided that if it rang up under forty, I'd get it. Twenty-eight bucks, baby!

10. Went to the Dr. for the first time in twenty years that did not involve stirrups. Just a general check up. I'm good about paps, tho'.

11. Accepted that our glorious California summer is almost over and bought Little O some long sleeved t-shirts to wear under the cutie T-shirts with her jeans. She then naturally went on a dress kick and wanted to wear dresses to pre-school every day for a week, in spite of the crisp fall temperatures.

12. Had a good week with Big O in terms of homework (Always a struggle at our house).

13. Finally got trash toters in stock at work, which should cut down on the irate phone calls by half--unfortunately, the other half will still think that their bill only applies if they ENJOY gettting their garbage picked up. My job is still to explain that we get paid, whether they enjoy that fact or not. sigh. Another day, another stinking heap of--er another dollar.

Linky Love:




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WTF Wednesday

So I am looking for recipes for all of the limes I just picked at my mother in law's house. I find an interesting no bake pie recipe, and at the bottom it has other topics you may be interested in...
Pies
Tarts
Key Limes
Whipping Cream
Do Not Have Sex With Horses. Seriously. Don't.
Cream cheese
fairy cakes
Heart Attack on a plate
Graham cracker crusts

Which one of these doesn't belong?

WTF?

Tasty Tuesday--Sugar Cookies

I was shopping this weekend and saw the most beautiful copper cookie cutters. They were crying out for Martha's Sugar cookies. Yes, THAT Martha. This is the most consistent, tasty recipe I have ever found for sugar cookies. I get lazy and make the dough into logs, rolled in colored sugar, I cut them into coins and bake quadruple batches. They are that good.

Martha's Sugar Cookies

4 C sifted All Purpose Flour
1/2 t salt
1 t baking Powder
1 C (2 sticks) unsalted butter
2 C Sugar
2 lg eggs
2 t vanilla OR 2 t fresh lemon juice + zest of 2 lemons

1. In a large bowl, sift together flour, salt, and baking powder, set aside.
2. Use an electric mixer to cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Beat in eggs.
3. Add flour mixture and mix on low speed until thoroughly combined. Stir in vanilla or lemon mixture. Wrap dough in plastic and chill for about 30 minutes.
4. Preheat oven to 325. On a floured surface roll dough to 1/8 inch thick. Cut into desired shapes. Transfer to ungreased baking sheets; refridgerate until firm, 15 minutes. Remove from fridge, decorate with sugar, if that blows your skirt up. Bake until edges just start to brown, 8 to 10 minutes. Cool on wire racks. May be stored at room temp in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

Makes 16 large cookies, or 30 2 1/2 inch cookies.

Um, double the recipe because you will want more immediately.

Stupid Tetanus Shot...

Crying2
Originally uploaded by Nolan.Vong.

Yeah, that's right. A tetanus shot. And I'm not at all happy about it, either. Not for one of the O's, for ME. Doctor found out I worked at the garbage comapny and nothing would do but that I get a shot. I answer PHONES. But I can't remember when I last had one, so there I go. Stuck like the proverbial pig.
I scared the nurse when I told her I was a screamer in elementary school when shots came around.
Lord, I hated getting stuck.

I'm such a baby.

****************************

On the upside, the nurse was a little lazy, and even though it was sitting a bit high, she marked me down at 210 for weight. Gotta love those lazy wenches...

Confession #483,697

Since I took and posted that damned photo, I have not done a thing on Little O's wings.

Must. Get. to. WORK.

My own true love...

Okay, so I tried it three times, and he came up on all three, I guess I should just accept that my Dead Celebrity Soulmate is Rudolph Valentino.

Go figure.

Although Henry the 8th was tempting....

Once again shamelessly stolen from Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual.

Can I get a boy band instead?

Menudo
Originally uploaded by THEfunkyman.

It's THAT day in the honey's family, and they are getting excited...mama might make homemade menudo!

OH. BOY.

I have to explain that I will never thrive in Scotland, either. I am an Organ-o-tarian. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely a carnivore! I totally grossed out the favorite SIL last night because I ordered my steak medium (we went to a REAL restaurant for her birthday--I normally order med-rare) and it was gloriously pink. But today that same girl is dying to scarf down major organs stewed in a greasy red soup with some hominy, and I'm the gross one.

I don't do organs. Biggest organ on a body? The skin. And no, I don't want any deep fried pork rinds either. Yak. But this obsession wwith menudo and haggis and monkey brains (okay, no one I know eats monkey brains, but they are considered a delicacy, right?) is not something I can wrap my head around.

Why would you want to chew and swallow Nature's little filters. If it wasn't good for that cow or pig, why would it be good concentrated in that organ and then stewed?

I've eaten the broth to shut them up, and it's okay. They make a non-organ kind called Pasole (I've probably misspelled that) that uses meat instead of organs. They give you shredded cabbage, and onions and radishes, and lemon and oregano to sprinkle on it .

OOOH, can I get a big piece of intestine to go with my cabbage and radishes? MMMM, chewy!

It's Here! It's Here! It's Here!

 

I found one! I had money in my pocket when I found one! If you don't know what I'm talking about, you may be looking for the Brazilian kid whose blog is in Portuguese--hit the "next blog" buttton one more time. What's that? Japanese anime video gaming blog? Three hits on the button and good luck loading that fucker!

That next blog button can certainly be an adventure, can't it? 

Operation Lose That Ass: the final tally.

Booooo Hoooooo

I lost both of my weight loss competitions, and yet I won...

I went from 228 at the start of the work competition, and was down to 223 at the start of OLTA.

My weight as of tuesday? 214.2

The evil accountant has triumphed at work. But maybe not for the ca$h... we have to wait for the final weigh in on monday, but I am definitely not gonna make 204 to qualify by then...

On a happier note, Quinn has been declared the winner of OLTA.

Quinn, Quinn, you are looking so Thin!
You may need a sandwich.
What's that in the grass? The rest of your Ass?
May I suggest a Monte Cristo?


Okay, I told you guys that you would have to write the poetry, now you know why. I'm sorry Quinn, you deserve better.

But really, I didn't lose anything except the extra weight that has been creeping on to me, and i intend to keep losing. I'm gonna be below 200 by Christmas. And that includes the glory that is Turkey day in November!

Thursday 13 # 14--Rockin 80's songs, man!

Thirteen 80's lyrics from JENNFACTOR Name the song and the artist! I don't know who to give credit to! I've played on a couple of TTers song lyrics, and always had fun--if you had friends wearing black makeup in the 80's, you may be a little more successful with these! Love you, Kat! 1…. If you twist and turn away If you tear yourself in two again If I could,You know I would If I could,I would Let it go Surrender Dislocate 2. Someone write me a letter I need to know that I'm still alive Someone give me a telephone call I need to hear a human sound Someone open up a door And let me out of this place I've been caged up for oh so long I don't know of I'm living or dying Man, I was bright and happy teen, wasn't I? 3. And fiery demons all dance When you walk through that door Don't say you're easy on me You're about as easy as a nuclear war Cos the dream that strings the road With broken glass for us to hold And I got so far before I had to say 4. But I think that God's Got a sick sense of Humor And when I die I expect to find Him laughing. 5. You hear laughter Cracking through the walls It sends you spinning You have no choice... Following the footsteps Of a rag doll dance We are entranced (ahem, insert song title here) 6. He's got to make his own mistakes And learn to mend the mess he makes He's old enough to know what's right But young enough not to choose it 7. I see you've sent my letters back And my LP records and they're all scratched I can't see the point in another day When nobody listens to a word I say 8. In the silence, I think of you I send a message, and I hope it gets through Think of the distance Think of the miles All of the valley's, could take a while I miss the people I miss the fun Your my apparition She's my only one 9. I like the way that they walk And it's chill to hear them talk And I can always make them smile From White Castle to the Nile 10. Good times they come and they go Never going to know What fate is going to blow You're way just hope it feels right Sometimes it comes and it goes You take it ever so slow And then you lose it, then it flows right to you So we rely on the past Special moments that last Were they as tender as we dare to remember Such a fine time as this What could equal the bliss 11. Darkness Imprisoning me All that I see Absolute horror I cannot live I cannot die trapped in myself 12. Across the clouds I see my shadow fly Out of the corner of my watering eye A dream unthreatened by the morning light Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night There's no sensation to compare with this Suspended animation, A state of bliss Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies 13. When I'm out walkin' I strut my stuff Man,I'm so strung out I'm high as a kite and I just might stop to check you out Links to other Thursday Thirteens! I profess for a fifth week my forbidden love of Mr. Linky...

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Buy some stamps-eat some Yogurt

pink ribbon
Originally uploaded by Lynxy.

Carolee Wallis was my mother-in-law.

She was a tiny woman with sparkly brown eyes, and she was soft and squishy and tender hearted. I could not have asked for a more perfect grandmother for my son. She was kind of fluttery and really should have been in a fifties sitcom. She was a very fifties kind of mom.

The ironic thing is that Carolee was a survivor.

She survived her childhood, with family issues that no one talked about at the time. She survived the death of her first husband, left with three small children to raise. She survived the abandonment of her second husband, in the midst of her second pregnancy with HIM, leaving her with five kids under ten. She even managed to survive the next two disastrous marriages.

She found true love when she least expected it, and by the time I met her had settled into domestic bliss, taking care of little independent seniors in her community. They were her "ladies" and she gave them companionship and transportation, and made sure that they weren't living out of cat food cans.

She was the very definition of a caregiver.

But when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she wasn't cared for. The doctor treating her was undergoing treatments for a wasting disease himself, and weeks after her mastectomy, he passed away. Carolee had faith in the system and was sure that if something more needed to be done, someone would be calling her.

She fell through every crack like alice through the looking glass. By the time she insisted that she needed to be seen, she had a festering wound. The woman who took care of everyone else died with a gaping black hole in her chest . It's been six years and I am still incredulous and angry. The woman who had survived so much just couldn't survive this.

Carolee died surrounded by her family, at home, and we worepink ribbons at her funeral. I have my pink ribbon, still held together by the angel pin she gave to us at christmas, up on the wall at my job, to remind me how lucky I am to be here and how precious it all is.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Support it any way you see fit-but support it.

Carolee Wallis was my mother-in-law.