MOM

I was talking with my mom the other day, and I finally know what to get her for her birthday.

She told me that my father, who is retiring in March, is no longer talking about going to work with an old friend.

He thinks he wants to just be a retiree, play a little more golf, hang around the house, maybe do some travelling.

You'd have to know my ADD father to know how funny this is.

Easily 75% of his time is spent playing or figuring out when he'll next play golf. If he's not working to support his habit and stay out of her hair, my mom will strangle him. He'll be found with his latest super-cool putter wrapped around his throat. Since my mom's birthday is in February, and she loves her some sudoku, I'm taking her to a professional. That way she doesn't end up with something that looks like this:

Prison tattoos are just no good unless you've got Martha for a cell mate.