Tuesday, July 11

Who would play YOU?

My ex-husband had two brothers that lived in the same small town that they all grew up in. Brother #1 had a wife who was AWESOME. She was fiendishly smart and funny and I adored her. Brother #2 had rotten luck with women, and his wife (Wife #2, although she was actually, I think, #4) was a road dog. She was nice in a scary Jerry Springer kind of way. She insisted throughout her pregnancy that her doctor said beer and cigarettes were okay, as long as she limited her self to no more that 2 beers a day, and that the stress from quitting smoking would be worse than any possible effects the smoke could have. You want to smoke? Tell us to mind our own damned business. Don't try telling us it's doctor recommended.

So we were up visiting one fine day, and they decide to play the movie star game. What movie star do YOU think would play you in a movie? So Wife # 1, all of five feet tall, chooses Sharon Stone. Okay, so this is TOTAL fantasy, I get it. Wife #2 chooses Daryl Hannah--well, she is skinny and blonde, and again, this is a total fantasy game. So they ask me who would play me, and I've been wrestling a two year old Big O, so I've not given it a lot of thought. They put their heads together and decide that they know exactly who would play me... are you ready?

Mare Winningham!

You know, I have nothing against Ms. Winningham, but as actresses go, isn't she more of a character actress- because she looks just like the rest of us? I was stunned, but as always, too polite to say anything like what I was actually thinking: Excuse me, Thing 1 and Thing 2, but I thought this was fantasy. If this were going to be a game about actresses who actually look like you, Wife #1 would be Linda Blair, and Wife # 2 would be Courtney Love on crack.

I stewed on that for weeks. I finally decided that I would be played by Kristen (sp?) Smart, ala Third Rock From the Sun. She's tall and blondish and funny as hell.

As it turned out, the wives were closer than anyone suspected, and while they never officially became a couple, poor brother #2 is on wife #5 and brother #1 was later dumped for a big burly girl wearing lots of flannel.

Who would play YOU in the movie?


I'm sorry, her name is Kristen Johnston, Kristen Smart was the poor college student who disappeared while going to Cal-Poly. I hope there's a special place in hell for her killer.

1 comment:

crse said...

Ok this made me laugh out loud at the end of a really crappy day. Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thats freaking awesome. How about I can come up with no movie stars to play me but three cartoon characters:
1: Carl from jimmy neutron. He is an overweight hypochondriac with a fear of lima beans.
2: Blue from Foster's home for imaginary friends. Painfully self-centered but extremely lucky. Youd have to see him to believe him.
3: Confession: Its my worst fear that Im actually the female version of the comic store guy from Simpsons. I shall never speak of this again.

I like Kristen Smart! She could have done way better than Newman....